So Team U has come and gone. And it’s a weird shift that has happened with me. I think I notice it not only mentally, but physically too. It’s like you spend all this time chasing that pro card, and then when you finally get it, a new chapter begins, a new fire lights inside of you. So whereas I think I was starting to feel a little burned out by the pursuit of it on the amatuer level, crossing over into this new territory has me feeling as though a weight has lifted, and a new bar has been raised in what I can work towards, and goals to set and attempt to reach. I full heartedly am soo incredibly HUMBLED to think that pretty soon I’m going to be on the very same stage as some of the women I have looked up to over the years, those who have competed at the Olympia, those whom I watch and admire from afar, it’s really kind of overwhelming in a way, and it’s hard to explain unless you’re in the midst of it. But all in a very good way.
I realize how my skin has to be a lot tougher now. The scrutiny that awaits each time I step on stage is aggrandized, I’ve already experienced people saying things like “oh well she won an easy show” – some comments on my youtube channel that I got wind of – and other BS that insinuate that I didn’t work my ass off – literally – to get to where I am. All that stuff, you have to learn how to tune out, and just focus on YOU and the task at hand, which is pushing the envelope of physical self improvement. It can be a challenge, but I feel like I’m learning how to deal with it better with each passing day.
Although I have been wanting to have an off season from the time I started this prep, and I keep saying that for EVERY show this season so far, I have NOT wanted to step on stage, felt I should quit at one week out, felt I wasn’t going to be ready enough…….. I’m now gearing up for my pro debut. As soon as I stepped off stage, Kim comes running to me, and I could only help but to give him a huge “WE DID IT” hug, he snapped a photo to share on the Angels fan page, and then started to plan our next move! Man I hardly had enough time to THINK! But after about a good five minutes of thinking, I was ready! lol. So I took a whole week off in NY, enjoyed time with my family, and ATE MYSELF SILLY because that was the plan anyway! I had elephant cankles for a whole week! I didn’t give damn either. In fact it was a great way of getting out of things I didn’t want to do! “I can’t I have cankles!!” Great excuse! So in any case, I will in fact be hitting the stage again before the end of the season!
When I got back to LA, I sat down and had spoken with Kim, took a few more days for myself, and pushed ahead with my eyes on the next step. As for this “different” feeling… Well, it’s kind of like I feel like I have a responsibility now to really put my money where my mouth is, and hopefully be a good example and representation of our sport. When I go out now, people no longer ask if I “run track”, I mean I still get those from time to time, now it’s “WOW, are you bodybuilder?” – and that’s a big step because for the first time I feel like I’m starting to look the part of what my body can be at its apex. And I’m not even there yet, I have so much room to grow, so much I want to improve upon, so much that’s going to take a full off season to really tweak and perfect. But even in this small window of time, I feel I’ve gotten to a level I never have before, maybe I didn’t really know or realize I was truly capable of until now in any case. So this new adventure begins, and an old one ends. But at the end of the day, I guess I’m still chasing a dream….
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