My mind has been toiling so much over the last few weeks. And it’s been running like a cylinder since standing around pumping up backstage at the Olympia. I guess this is really the first time I’m taking a step to openly and honestly talk about what’s going on in the back of my mind, and the place I’m in mentally as I work to change my body to evolve and change with my division.
It’s been many years since I’ve felt myself at a point of being kind of slightly self conscious in my own skin. It took me many years to get to the point where I could stop hating what I see in the mirror, and love every inch of who I am. But I’ll be honest with a little secret I’ve been holding in my soul…
I’m actually very aware right now of where I am physically. To the point where as I wonder sometimes what others’ perception of me is. Am I no longer normal, do I not fit in anymore? Am I getting to the point where people look at me as an anomaly, or I’m far beyond what’s considered feminine in the boxes of our society? Normally, I wouldn’t give two fux, but as of late, I’ve had the burning desire to want to finally settle down, maybe get married, and who knows – perhaps start a family. Ok maybe not a full family but have some cat and dog kiddies, lol. And as a single woman, I find myself asking, will I ever find someone who actually finds me attractive, and what happens when and if I start to compete and diet for a show, and the extremes of our sport and how we look scares whomever I’m with off… These are real things I think about.
Now, I admit, they aren’t anything that haunts me to the point where I am willing to stop being who I am, but it makes me wonder. It’s almost like people outside of our industry just don’t understand our desire to be the best physically that we can be, better than what 99% of humanity can ever attain – and for that many of us are ridiculed. And when you are outside of our world, trying to fit into the norms of society once again becomes a challenge.
One of the more interesting observations I’ve made as of late has been my wardrobe. Once you reach a certain point of muscularity, stuff just doesn’t fit the same anymore. As your back becomes wider, along with your shoulders and arms, and then the legs get fuller in the glutes, quads, and hams, all while your waist gets smaller and smaller, finding clothes that actually FIT is challenging. And what you once wore, no longer falls on you quite the same. Now, I’m not complaining… I actually really love the Coke Bottle thickness, and curves my muscularity has brought to the forefront – but now comes the task of reinventing my wardrobe to go along with the ride.
In any case, this post isn’t to complain, just to reveal. To show that hey, I’m normal, and we all go through this phase. I think the off season time period can really play tricks on you if you ALLOW it. At the end of the day, you have to realize that the weight gain is a part of the process when it comes to muscle gain. And that weight is all relative. If you are putting on size – and quality lean mass – the number will go up, your shape will change sometimes quite dramatically, and the old you fades away as the new – and improved – you emerges. For me, just keeping that in perspective, alongside keeping my eyes focused on what I want to look like in my upcoming season, is the greatest challenge, and a task I try to keep in the forefront on a daily basis.
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