Blogs are a funny thing…
For a fleeting moment in your life, you spend time pounding out the secrets of your innermost thoughts onto a website.
The clickity-clack of your fingers stroking the keyboard, spelling out words that you only hope makes sense to those who stumble upon it.
Life sometimes, though, takes you on a whirlwind.
It takes off, and stuff happens… And you lose track at times.
When you do, you come back to your journal and see, on the pages, a former version of yourself.
If it’s been long enough, you see this…
That’s exactly where we will pick up right now.
Since the last entry (in 2018), I was 38 years old and on the brink of an amazing awakening.
Later that year – on April 2, 2018 – I would have an experience that would change the trajectory of my whole life.
Well… I’m 40 Now. And I Am Finally Now a Swan…
38 to 40 have been some of the most interesting years of my life, thus far.
April 2, 2018 is the day I consider my “rebirth” day.
In due time, I might share what exactly sent me on this journey to connect with my feminine energy and truly enhance my life by defining a new purpose.
After leaving behind my competitive life of endless Tupperware filled with “clean food”, an obsession with fitness, spray tans, glittery suits, rock hard abs, and countless trophies…
I really found myself asking, what’s next?
And I came to this absolutely INSANE conclusion that I never even thought of before.
I want to settle down.
I want to marry.
I want to even – get this – HAVE A CHILD.
I mean who the fuck is this!? And what did you do with ROXIE, right!?
But the one thing I knew is that as I was living my life then, those things that I wanted would never come to pass.
I knew that a major shift had to happen. Before becoming a wife in reality, I needed to understand what that role even MEANS.
What it looks like in my mind on a day to day basis.
What routine would I have?
How could I best support and serve my husband, our child(ren), and the life we create together.
If there’s ANYTHING I know about my life up to this point it’s that I a.) am ALWAYS prepared, and b.) I ALWAYS create the reality I want, long before it shows up in my presence.
What needed to happen from that point was a full circle evolution into finding – ME.
I Call It Swanning
Kind of like glowing up, but deeper. More intense. Internal. Emotional as much as it is physical.
It’s crazy how we all, at some point, struggle with who we are.
We find ourselves nitpicking our bodies, faces, and every little part that we deem as an imperfection.
I was one of THE WORST at this.
Nothing was ever good enough, never adequate enough, never pretty enough.
Even now, I don’t always see myself as particularly pretty. But I kind of accept my own quirky type of beautiful.
I’m not sure if turning 40 for me has left me with a newly found sense of “Je ne sais quoi”… Or that I’ve just come to embrace the fact that getting older isn’t THAT bad.
I will tell you this. I’ve never felt more ALIVE, vulnerable (in a good way), and deeply connected to who I am than I do right now.
And it’s because of that, that I’ve WAY more than just “glow up.” I’ve swanned.
I’ve morphed into the most graceful version of myself than I can ever imagine.
It’s Through This Unshakeable Sense of Self That I Not Only Live – But I THRIVE
What’s most interesting is that my perspective about life has GREATLY shifted.
What I once saw as my drive to get up every morning lost all of its luster.
I used to want to head up a multi-million dollar fitness empire, coaching women from around the globe. Traveling to spread my message in luxurious retreats.
Holding massive trance-like seminars to a Tony Robbins type of “cult” following. I dreamed of writing a New York Times Best Seller fitness book, and selling millions in online downloads, courses and more.
But slowly, those desires have faded from my heart.
Would it be nice to have a company with such a HUGE financial success.
At the same time, I KNOW that in order to achieve that level of success, so much would have to be sacrificed.
The remainder of my youth and fertility.
My chances of settling down and marrying.
The amount of time and effort it will take to make THAT happen (marriage), and to do it right, is equal to the amount of time and effort I need to build my brand to the next level.
I’ve realized that really, I cannot have it all.
And really, maybe society has lied to us women all along in thinking that we can.
When I Shifted My Focus, My Inner Peace Emerged
So what’s my life like now..?
I have a routine now. One that’s very different than before.
Before, I’d be one you can guarantee was burning the midnight oil. Long nights on my laptop building my “empire”. Too much time in the gym chasing perfection.
Pushing myself so much that all I had in my life was work, work, and more work.
And none of it was making me happy.
Now, my life is completely about fulfilling my happiness. Pursuing true happiness. One which isn’t dictated by a dollar amount, or shoes on my feet, or clothes in my closet.
Not that any of that stuff particularly mattered to me before.
I think what I’ve always been chasing is stability.
Because THAT means everything to me.
My routine now consists of me getting up, making breakfast, going on a morning walk around my treelined neighborhood. On days that I don’t take a walk, I’ll head to the gym. My gym days are usually about 4 times a week, sometimes 5. In and out in an hour, no more excessive training.
My eating is super healthy and balanced.
I really enjoy cooking at home and experimenting with all kinds of meals.
I’ve taken up gardening! But not in the way you think.
I’m cultivating my green thumb with a small apartment garden that lives in my window.
One day I dream of having a garden full of roses, jasmine, tulips, gardenias, peonies, as well as lots of fruits and vegetables.
I yearn for simpler days and slower times.
In fact, as I write this, the world is embroiled in a global pandemic. Yet despite our lives being on literal lockdown, I feel free!
Don’t get me wrong, the success of my business means a lot to me. But now, my motivation is truly about just helping others in ways that truly impact their lives.
I’ve consigned to the fact that I don’t need a huge following or a billion clients to do that.
And to keep the balance I need to fulfill the personal goals in my life, things are perfectly in sync right now.
So that’s the story of where I am – today. At 40.
I can’t promise how often I will be able to regurgitate my thoughts here.
The PLAN is, at the very least, to commit to updating a few times a month. And as always, keep myself open emotionally, spiritually, mentally and more.
Simply hoping to connect with you, as you sit on the other side of the screen.
Hopefully inspired by my life’s journey.
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