Today for the first time I was filled with anxiety. It’s like I’m on this crazy personal mission and it can either be amazing or totally fail. Although I know my all or nothing thinking is just freakin wild, crazy, and stupid, I cannot help but to allow myself to drive MYSELF insane.  I think it’s all a part of my perfectionist flaw that I have to often reel in.

I’ve been studying my pics like crazy. Combing over the things I really really like (my upper body) and the things I want/need to improve. I’m now on this mission to shape my legs as perfectly as I had my upper body. I think that’s the one area that I was lacking. I had been contemplating asking the judges via email their thoughts, but here’s the problem for ME with that… A. It’s subjective and everyone will say something different, too many cooks in the kitchen spoils the broth. I know I’d probably drive myself further insane if I asked. B. With the question sometimes comes bullshit. I’ve experienced this with casting directors, acting coaches, dance teachers, choreographers, etc. People will sometimes say things just to say it and that can sometimes and sometimes not apply to you. C. It’s easy to let those kinds of things throw you off mentally, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

So why the anxiety? Well for the first time, it’s really FOR REAL this time. Now it’s not a crap shoot, it’s a commitment to following a dream and making it a reality. And everyday, that reality becomes more concrete. It amazes me some days that my life is what it is. And other days it scares me and intimidates me with this looming fear of both success AND failure. I don’t know if that makes any sense… Maybe I’m revealing too much of myself. Stuff beyond just competing, but more connected to what I want beyond the rhinestones and the stage.

I must be PMSing… lol

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