So. This is what’s going on. Now that I’m calm, I can talk about it.

I think the stress of my friend being very sick and extending myself to help out was starting to weigh on me. Not that I mind helping, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat and continue to do what I can, but my groove got thrown WAY off. That coupled with the overwhelming “isms” in my head about Nats, my constant strive for my own physical perfection, dealing with a client of mine who is going through her own personal pain and issues and taking too much involvement in that and being supportive, then some assignments that I have to do related to some media stuff I’m working on. It all got to be too much. I was missing meals, not having the energy for my workouts, working out like a warrior and killin it in the gym, my diet in general depleting me when I was getting meals in. It all just got to be SO overwhelming.

I mean it’s hard enough training, and dieting, add stress to the factor and you WILL be shitfaced by the end of the week. I hit that bottom. And I hit it HARD. Over the last 2 weeks I found myself not really following my plan 100%, I was nibbling here and there on nuts, and a few extra slices of Ezekiel bread that were not factored in. My mind was turning to food in the fact that the last 3 days I have been CRAVING chocolate chip cookies. To the point where it was becoming obsessive! And since I had been nibbling on extras, I cut out my scheduled refeeds, and so here I am getting more and more depleted, and psychotic mind you! Sooooo, it was time to listen to my body and just take a break, refeed, reassess and continue. I scheduled a 36 hour full refeed. No counting, just eating low fat/fat free carbs that I want, a mix of slow burning, fast burning, and fruit carbs. I planned my workouts accordingly. I can say that I am 100,000% back! I always know when it’s really direly time to refeed when my thoughts start getting food centered, and I’m really moody and bitchy, and I have shit energy in the gym. Friday I was training a client and I couldn’t even rack the 45 lb Olympic bar on the rack because I was so weak. She was looking at me like WTF? I’ve NEVER seen you like this. Then when I almost killed the girl at Starbucks because there were no more CC cookies, I knew I had to do something. At that rate, I was not going to make it, and I felt so out of control that I was asking myself, “Why am I doing this? Is a show really worth THIS much?”

Now post refeed, I feel so much better. I can actually SEE myself for who I am and what’s really in front of the mirror. The other issue I was dealing with was this fear that I’m “too muscular/big for figure.” Ever since Team U, I have this evil little devil that sits on my shoulder and starts whispering to me (yeah I’m crazy but you guys know that much already, so don’t act suprised). And that devil says, hey, you need to LOSE muscle, you are too big, go do some fucking cardio and drop the weights on the floor. Well I pretty much never listen to that devil, until I’m totally carb depleted and can’t see straight. At that point I’m too tired to train so I never actually do anything about it, but it does get to me. This whole evolving of what’s “too much/too little/just right” look for figure thing is really getting to my head. And I think it’s because when I was prepping for Team U, never once did anyone tell me that I was “too big” or not posing properly and what I was doing was throwing off my proportions. So to go into a show thinking I was spot on only to find out that I wasn’t was a real blow on many levels. No one goes into a show wanting or expecting to fail. You may or may not go in with the intention to win, but to not place at all, that shit really sucks. If I was like 12th or something at least I could say, ok, so I didn’t do as well as I would have liked, but the judges saw some kind of potential. But to not even be worth it enough to place, well that’s speaks volumes. It’s like, ok, you were just way off, so fuck it, thanks for coming. So that still kinda gives me a lot of anxiety. It’s like OK, I’m THINKING I’m doing well, but you know what, I could be damn wrong. And being a competitive person by nature, I hate that! But I can’t control that so I really need to learn to not worry about things like this.

My mental meltdown (one which I have every 6 months lol since I like to keep my feelings pent up) taught me a valuable lesson. #1) Even though I want to help others out, I have to know when to say no, there is power in the word No. #2) The most important thing about this whole competition thing is that I have a clear eye on what I want. I think when you try to fit into a mold you only cause yourself more issues. If you find that you have to fight yourself physically, mentally, emotionally to step on a stage you need to take a step back. First of all, it’s really not that serious. Second of all, you know what the “ideal” is. And the goal is to get your physique within its genetic abilities to get close to that ideal. It’s not about BEING that ideal, it’s a generalization of a look. You have to just take your training and eating to a level where you can come close to that ideal within your own limitations. And you want to work to improve your physique over time to meet that standard. But at the end of the day, you have to still do this for you. And the challenge in this whole process lies in finding the best way to enjoy molding your physique into the best shape you can get it. It’s like taking clay and sculpting, the joy should be found in sculpting your body into whatever shape you damn well please through sane diet and training.

Along the way I was losing this. I started focusing on winning, and placing, and fitting a mold. Well fuck the mold, I can only be who I am. It will either be appreciated or not, you know. I have no control over that.

So my new focus is not really the show per se. My new focus is now conditioning. Bringing up the level of overall conditioning front to back, side to side, top to bottom, left to right. I have all the musculature I need, and my goal is to hang onto it as much as possible. I do like the overall shape of my body, so again, I want to stay nice and full and just continue to tighten up. So 5 weeks to do that, THAT is definitely doable. Having THIS focus is motivating. I’m not focused on the show, it’s only a blip on the map in the grand scheme of things. Right now the biggest, and most motivating task on my hands is seeing how far I can push my level of conditioning. So with that in mind, I’m ready to rock. 

Here I am 1 day post refeed – gained about 5 lbs in the 36 hrs. I’ll document on my blog daily changes and my workouts over the next 5-6 days before my next huge refeed comes. Bloated like a whale, but you know what, I’m ok with that.

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