Turning Pro… The Pursuit for the Card, and the Crazy That Follows

Holy shitballs you guys. My life has been SUCH an emotional rollercoaster the last few weeks.

Holy fucking shitballs.

I have been sooooooooooooooooo emotional the last few weeks. I have gone from contemplation, to elation, to fear, to worry, to doubt, to a je ne sais qoui mode where I just didn’t give a fuck. 

Sorry I’m cussing so much.

I’ll stop.

But no seriously. I have been putting SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MYSELF. Me. No one else is putting expectations on me but ME. And why? Exactly for no reason whatsoever.

I have been on this rush of a ride since I started competing. Having done so well so damn soon, that here I am putting myself in the mental joke headspace of placing the importance of my next show on the final outcome of turning Pro.

Are you !@#@!% kidding me? I think the reason I push so hard is because I know that it CAN be a reality. But at the same time, this should NEVER ever ever be at the expense of you enjoy the process of what you’re doing. It should never come at the expense that you begin to stress about a day that hasn’t even come yet. It should never come at the expense that you cannot look at yourself and be happy. Truly truly happy and ready to show what you’ve been working so damn hard for. I lost that. 

But you see, I’m the type of person who can call myself out. The maturity and wisdom I have gained after the age of 30 allows me to step outside of a situation when it begins to spiral out of control and say ‘WHOA WHOA girl, stop. Breathe. Think. Reflect. NOW proceed.”

Today was the breaking point. It was a breakthrough indeed. And I needed to experience this low so that I can refocus, and move forward with a clear mind, heart, and path. I was in my car. In front of the post office. I just mailed my suit bottoms back to Amy so she can make my bottoms a deeper V. I’m following the coverage of the Jr. Nats and I start getting really emotional. I started to cry buckets in my car. I started having these thoughts that I carry too much muscle and that everyone else is so much smaller and that I think I want to quit. I mean here I am with this body that people praise, but it’s not perfect, not stage worthy, not competitive with what the judges want. So why bother. Why spend the money. 

Yes, I did. I actually had those thoughts. 

So I emailed Erik.  And being the amazing coach he is, he once again bitch slapped reality back into my brain. And I realize how much having him on my side was the smartest decision I’ve made. I could have done this myself, sure. But having his eye on me, my progress, and when I need it, my sanity, means SO MUCH. I only hope to be able to guide the women who entrust me as much. I do. And that’s the irony. I talk so much sanity to my clients that sometimes when I think about the things that come out of my brain, I feel like a fraud. But we can’t all be shits and giggles 24/7. 

After my email exchange with him, I snapped the pics below. The truth of the matter is that I have improved, and I am working on bringing my best. That’s all I can do. That’s ALL I can do.

3 Days Out from California State — 3 Weeks Out from Team U

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