I don’t know where to begin, so I’m going to just start typing and allow whatever flows through my fingers to be what I want to express.

This has been a long week, 2 weeks, month, year… Life.

As of late, I feel like I’ve been going absolutely nuts. And I’ve felt like this many many times during not only this period of my life, but others. There are times I feel absolutely over the moon, and like all is so amazing. But then there are the times like what I have just gone through like it seems like the entire world around me is just dark. And I’m only trying to find my way.

Today. Today, I almost had a serious car accident. And it wasn’t even any fault of my own. A driver next to me decided to overtake my lane in efforts to SIT on the ramp of the 405 in the middle of rush hour. The west bound 10 freeway was pretty empty and FLYING at speed of over 65 mph. The driver next to me, without even signaling started driving STRAIGHT into my car. I honked my horn but nearly had a collision. Suddenly I lost control of the wheel. My car slid about about good 100 ft. It turned, the back wheels fighting the breaks, fighting the force of the front wheels. I tried to avoid coliding with other vehicles and when I tried to look into my rear view, I couldn’t even see it or find it because my driver’s side visor was down and I only could catch a view of my terrorized eyes in the midst of seeing the walls of the freeway in front of me. I remember a very still moment where I thought that the car was about to flip, and seeing a grass barrier in front of me. I remember thinking, dear God, this is it. But it wasn’t my time because the car stabilized itself and slid another 20 ft or so, I could smell, hear, and see the burning of the rubber tires against the concrete. 

My car came to a stop, I trembled in the wake of it all, and the other driver kept going, I’m sure seeing the disaster he/she nearly caused and fleeing the scene.

All I could do was sit and blankly stare at the traffic ahead of me. And then the tears began to roll down my face.

It sometimes takes a dramatic wake up call to finally put life into perspective so that you can move on and grow.

Earlier that day, I was so distraught just about everything. My body. My relationship. My career. Feeling overwhelmed by absolutely EVERYTHING and wondering if I can really hold on, or will it all just fall unto itself like a house of cards.

I started feeling a little better by the afternoon when each of the above situations started to work themselves out. Then the near accident happened.

Not to mention later I get pulled over because my tail light was out. I get a “fix it ticket,” and when I registered my car yesterday at the DMV I forgot to put my proof of insurance back into the glove compartment. So now I get a ticket for that and a court date. And guess what… My license is showing up as suspended… WHAT THE FUCK!! I’m sorry I can’t abbreviate that right now. Because it feels good to drop the f-bomb.

The suspension was something that happened when I first moved to LA, from 2 years ago, when in the first 30 days an idiot rear ends me, ON THE FREEWAY, was found to be at fault. Had to pay for my damage. But I had to get a suspension because at the time, I just got the vehicle and did have insurance at all. I had it 2 days after the accident, but this was already supposed to be resolved. I have been covered 100% ever since.

But you know what. It didn’t even phase me. I changed the bulb myself, have my insurance proof in my card, and now in my wallet as well. I’ll pay the ticket. The good news is that I’m still alive and uninjured.

Please forgive that I have let you guys into the deepest and darkest moments of my life and mind as of late. And if my bullshit annoys you, well I don’t know what to tell you but thank you for showing some support, or at least silently relating to what I’ve shared, even if you wanted to tell me to just STFU AND STFU. 

I had a conversation with my mom. She is a wise lady, although half the time I don’t want to hear the truths she has to say. In relation to competing, she told me calmly that she wanted me to hear her out. She said that the look I had last year was 100% on the money. That I have been trying to live up to this ideal that has taken ME away from ME. That I spent so much time trying to prove myself to whatever, and putting so much pressure on myself that it has forced me to go way off track. So I need to just get back to whom I am, and what works for me. All the things I have been saying, and what you guys have said over and again for the last two weeks. Confirmed from someone who doesn’t even emerse herself in this lifestyle, but only knows me.

I admit. My confidence has been shaken. Tremendously. Somewhere in the midst of all of this I lost myself, and I find myself trying to find me again. I’ve been so stressed that my skin broke out really badly. I’m hating the reflection I see in the mirror because I don’t feel like I see me. The real me. So I had to take a huge step back. And today only proved to me that it’s not my time to be off this Earth, and I have a greater purpose to fulfill.

I’ve decided to start fresh. This weekend, all I want to do is fast, atone, and meditate. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about fasting, if it’s healthy, if I should be doing it. It’s not about aesthetics right now. It’s about cleansing my soul, cleansing my mind. I’m going to drive up to the beach this weekend, planning on going up to Malibu to walk on the shore and to just think, relax, and stretch. I’m going to meditate at home. I only want to intake water because I really feel like I need a spiritual cleansing that will flow to my body and my mind. Come Monday morning, I will begin the new plan Erik gave me. With a fresh start, new beginning, and new focus.

I need to let go of these demons, and the only way I will shake them is if I can allow myself to be free, and just LET GO. Of everything.

I started back training again today. It’s a real change from what I was doing, but it felt on track. It felt right. It was still a challenge, but in a new way. I realize that if I make the CHOICE to compete, then my goal needs to be on aesthics and not performance. At the end of the day, no one gives a crap how strong I am, how powerful I am, how explosive I am, how agile or flexible I am. And if I want them to care, then hell go get a routine together and do fitness. And since I really don’t have the desire to do that, then I need to just shut up and do what’s required of MY division of CHOICE. 

This is getting really long. And I have so much I want to share. But I often think that actions speak louder than words.

I am off to start on this new path. I’ll be away from the computer the rest of this weekend as I go and explore my soul and find myself again. I’ll start reposting once more on Monday with a new outlook and focus.

Share Your Thoughts